By Wes Annac, Openhearted Rebellion
I need to write.
Most days, I have no idea what to write. I don’t even know why I should be writing. I just know that I need to write.
I don’t know if there is a future in this. I’m inclined to think there isn’t. My self-doubt tells me I should stop trying to succeed at this blogging thing and get a real job. Most of the time, I don’t even post. It is so hard for me to write and post consistently; mainly because I’m not so confident in my ability. I often assume that my words are too insignificant to bother sharing. So, I don’t.
For some reason, though, I can’t let it go.
I need to do it for me. My ego tells me I need to do it for you, because my words could help you in some way. It sounds a little too idealistic, but despite how much I doubt myself; I have something to say, and dammit, I want to say it. I need to write, and I want to write.
I’m tired of staying silent. I don’t want to go weeks without sharing anything, because expression feels good. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini. Maybe I’m just an attention seeker. Whatever the reason – I need to write, I want to write, and I will write.
I don’t want to doubt myself anymore, so I won’t. I will stand proudly in the power of my written word, knowing full well that some people will mock me. I don’t care anymore. Writing is the only skill for which I possess a modicum of talent, and I’m tired of failing to live up to my potential.
I’ve made many big lifestyle changes in the past year. Some of them are ongoing, but writing is the one thing with which I have managed to be consistent and inconsistent. Inconsistent in that I go long periods of time without doing it, even as I keep up with other disciplines. Consistent in that I always find my way back to it.
My topics of interest have changed over the years. First, it was new age spirituality. Then, it was activism. Then politics, then video games. And I’m sure a lot of other stuff I can’t remember. Now, besides openhearted rebellion – which is nothing more than a fancy term I use as an excuse to write about kindness and the Golden Rule – I don’t know what the hell I want to write.
I just know that I need to write.
Maybe I’ll write out personal journal entries that take the form of blog posts, to let you know how I’m doing with my effort to achieve better mental and emotional health. Maybe I’ll finally begin to research and write about history, like I’ve always told myself I would. Maybe I’ll go into meditation and share some intuitive writings. The things I share might look different every day; what matters is that I write.
It will help if I can treat this like a discipline – something I must do every day because it helps me feel better and could help me earn a solid living. I have no problem exercising for 1-2 hours a day, because I’m one of those freaks who loves to workout. If I need to write – and it’s been pretty well-established that I do – then how hard could it be to take an hour out of my day for creative time?
I might not always share what I write, because some days, it will be far too personal. Some days, I feel like shit and want to write some deeply personal things that I probably shouldn’t share on the internet. If I can get in my hour, then I’ll have succeeded for another day – no matter what the final product looks like.
I might never be rich or materially successful, and when I’m old, I might wish I hadn’t spent so much time writing and so little time, I don’t know, working a full-time job and putting money into a retirement fund. Right now, though, I’m taking things day by day. It will start with writing for an hour a day and waiting to see what, if anything, comes of it. We’ll see how it goes in a few years.
For now, I just need to write. With any luck, the rest will take care of itself.